im officially 17...wow im old.

in the deep recess of my mind
i contemplate about life, the past, the present
but what gets me the most is that
i cant seem to get you out of my head.
you were there for me as i for you
but fuck what makes you so special?
i ALWAYS end up thinking of you...
i burned the memories & the past
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!
god..this torment of you & me is killing me
my spirit, my life, my day, fuck its everything!
everything is just too overwhelming for me.
ive cried one too many times in hope that
youre officially gone.
out of my life, out of my head...just leave already!
maybe its that assurance that ive had you for awhile
but damn its over..leave already!
why do you haunt me? ive seen you like 3 kagillion times!
why does it have to be this way?
every corner i look something either reminds me of you
or IT IS YOU RIGHT THERE!
are you doing this on purpose?
do you find some satisfaction is seeing me this way?
god..go die already! im tired of life now.

makes you think if i'm really ok huh?

so ok...my birthday plans actually worked out! pwhahahahah! what crying like a bitch can do...lol thanks carissa for the comment..i really needed that...and whats the current update on my birthday?

.: 2 hours & 36 mintues `til my birthday and counting!

i really hope tomorrows going to be pretty good...lets just pray. i think im officially excited. haha!

this is where i end it.

[ jonathan ]

so ok...i finally had the balls to confront my parents about my birthday plan..and ill be honest they dont like the idea of a telly. my parents arent trippin over me but over more of my friends, granted majority of them havent really met my parents..so i guess thats why theyre really trippin over it. i gave a legit reasoning & everything...but i dont know. my dad asked me whats wrong cause ill admit i started crying like bitch...and i told him that i didnt wanna have a face smile on my birthday, which is understandable cause i mean its my 17th birthday, its like the year before i can sign my own legal documents, go to a porn shop, buy cigarettes...legally...i personally would want my 17th birthday bigger cause im going to go clubbin for my 18th birthday cause next year its going to fall on a saturday..and then after i said my dad was like sorta clueless & my mom goes "hes saying that if he doesnt get his way..hes going to get upset" which is sorta true but fuck am i really a brat or something. i mean granted that im grateful for all of the shit i get from my parents..its just i wanted this year to be special..cause i havent done A DAMN THiNG with my friends for my birthday forever. i would like to actually spend that with my friends for once instead of my family. am i a brat for bitching like this? i mean i dont know about you but my friends have the same and sometimes more significance than my own family you know? i gave my honest opinion and everything but why does it that im not being acknowledged that you know i gave my honest input & its like some other shit. fuck! im tired of living like this is. i just cant fucking wait til i move out and everything. maybe im taking things out of proportions but cant you feel me on this one though? celebrating your birthday w/o your friends ever since you got into school and now that you actually have the nuts to do it your denied? fuck...thats fucking messed up.

despite that..im running for class parlimentarian next year. im running against jason. we've been sorta good friends since like elementary but during middle school & now in highschool i havent really kept in touch with him you know....and this isnt even half of the story. so like Therese is running for President, Mabs is running for Vice President, Henzels running for Sec. and maybe Agnes tooo, Angel is running for treasurer(sp?), and then me for Parlimentarian. So Mabs tells me during lunch today that a certain person who will be named unknown is hating on us cause we dont attend the meetings. i think that was only for henzel, cause he hasnt done anything within the class...and thats the truth but i do admire that he wants to be more active in school & everything you know...now if that was to include us...im sorry but shiiiiiiiit....thats beyond FUCKED UP...then like i heard someone say that Melanie & Cuadra have a better chemistry than Me & Melanie..I WAS SOOOO FUCKiNG PiSSED WHEN i HEARD THAT...last year & freshman year melanie & i were pretty close. but because of this year we werent so close, i hardly saw her, & when i did see her she didnt really tell me whats going on in class...this sorta problem has happend before. during the beginning of the year i was almost impeached. you know i regret saying something..i should have been impeached & say everything. i wasnt given the right chance you know? and fucking cuadra sucks up to melanie 24/7...i heard someone quote from melanies xanga saying that brian said that she "....was the epitomy of coolness." do you know how many random folks came up to me talking shit about her to my face? im sorry but im not going to suck up & put my life on hold just to make a person happy. i wont. i have a life. how it should be done is telling the person, giving the person the assignment, then have that person do their best to do what they were told...but i wasnt given that chance. i know i should approach her too but im not going to harass her everyday to see if any update about class, im not going to waste her or my time about class. if somethings up i believe she should tell me cause shes the only one whos planning everything you know?

: sigh : well...im going to end it here. im tired. imma go to sleep. good night.

[ jonathan ]

BiRTHDAY COUNT: 5 MORE DAYS! HOT DAMN!

i made this long ass "blog" or entry up in here & it got deleted..and now im completely lazy to re do it...fucking shit yo. so ok fuck it im done. at least i made a entry in here. im done. bye.

[ jonathan ]